New Insights

Just got back from St George. I went up to an IHC sponsored " look good, feel good" seminar. It is a thing for women with cancer to help them remember to take care of themselves (make up, wigs, skin care etc). What an eye opener. First of all , I realized how self centered I am sometimes as it took awhile for me to realize that all the people there didn't have breast cancer (duh) and that some of them were REALLY sick. I am so lucky that I have had it as easy as I have had. I looked around and had a rude awakening in the middle of the whole thing. Not that I don't realize that it could be me, it's not that, it's just you get so involved in your own drama sometimes that you forget other people are really suffering. Half the people were wearing masks as they could not be in public and risk infection without them. So far my white blood count has held, thank God and all of you for your prayers.

There was a woman there in her 80's that has had cancer for 15 years and is in some kind of clinical trial for stem cells and bone marrow transplants. What a hoot she was. She must have weighted about 70 lbs, bald as a billiard, and fighting for all she was worth. Someone asked why she keeps up the clinical trials because she was talking about how painful it is, and she said, "Because someone has to do it and I am no chicken shit!"

Then there was a woman who has been in chemo for lung cancer for 5 years and said she decided she was tired of looking like a hag and decided to learn how to wear makeup. Another woman refused to wear a wig as she was standing up for the rights of bald women and told me I should do the same. I told her, that was for really brave people, I am only brave as long as I have all my accouterments (hair, makeup, jewelry, clothes) without that I am the chicken shit the old Grannie was referring to.

The one I really felt sorry for was a woman who was younger than me, I imagine, who when we talked about losing our eyebrows, I encouraged her to get hers tattooed on asap , as you can only get it done before you start chemo, once you are in treatment you can't risk infection. She kept saying no she didn't think she would, so I "encouraged" a little more. Then she finally said, "Look, I am late stage 4 and the chemo is just for pain management, I won't last long enough to worry about eyebrows". I wanted to slug myself right in the mouth, then I wanted to tell her NO, there are miracles and you can fight, there are new cures and you can fight like Grannie and then I realized that we all get to choose and sometimes it's just our time and maybe we know it, or we are tired or whatever. So I just hugged her and said I would pray for her and hoped I hadn't offended her. She was so sweet and said no I hadn't , she was happy to meet me, but I saw the pain and fear in her eyes and the resignation and defeat, and I just wanted to scream!